Why and How People Put Up Blockages in Their Pursuit of Happiness: Why We Push Good People Away

Introduction

Happiness, a fundamental human aspiration, often feels like an elusive butterfly, always within sight but never within our grasp. This paradoxical scenario stems from subconscious barriers that we knowingly or unknowingly construct in our pursuit of happiness. Consequently, we end up sabotaging our happiness, often pushing away individuals who could contribute significantly to our overall well-being. This article delves into the intricate reasons behind our self-sabotage, the mechanisms of how these blockages are formed, and why we tend to push good people away.

The Intricacies of Our Self-Sabotage

1. Fear of Vulnerability:

The fear of emotional discomfort, pain, or betrayal often leads us to construct thick walls around ourselves. These walls act as our self-defense mechanism, safeguarding us from potential emotional harm. However, this fear can also make us push away people who have our best interests at heart, as we inadvertently associate emotional closeness with potential pain.

2. Low Self-Esteem:

Low self-esteem is a silent perpetrator that often masks itself as humility. Individuals with low self-esteem struggle with feelings of unworthiness. This lack of self-worth can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors like pushing away people who treat them well, as they subconsciously believe they do not deserve such kindness.

3. Comfort in Familiarity:

As creatures of habit, humans tend to find solace in familiar territory, even if it’s riddled with mediocrity or unhappiness. The prospect of stepping out of our comfort zone in pursuit of happiness can be an intimidating endeavor, causing us to retreat into our shells and resist change.

4. Guilt and Shame:

Past mistakes and wrongdoings can often cast a long shadow over our lives. The guilt and shame stemming from these past actions can make some individuals feel undeserving of happiness. Consequently, they push away people who offer them a chance at happiness, viewing it as an unattainable luxury.

5. Perfectionism:

The relentless pursuit of perfection can often be a significant hurdle in our quest for happiness. The constant search for something better, coupled with the unrealistic expectation of perfection, can lead us to push away good people. The harsh reality that ‘perfect’ does not exist often dawns upon us too late, leaving us with a trail of missed opportunities and regrets.

6. Fear of Change:

Change is often synonymous with growth and happiness. But it also brings with it an element of uncertainty, which can be daunting. This fear of change can make us resistant to happiness, as it requires us to break old habits, adopt new behaviors, and let new people into our lives.

7. Negative Beliefs:

Negative beliefs about ourselves, others, or the world at large can act as significant obstacles in our path to happiness. If we harbor beliefs that we are unlovable or unworthy, we will inevitably push away those who try to love us or offer us kindness.

8. Fear of Intimacy and Commitment:

Fear of intimacy and commitment is one of the leading reasons why people push good people away. According to a study by Firestone, Firestone, and Catlett (2002), this fear stems from past traumatic experiences or the fear of loss. The fear of being truly seen and known by another person can be intimidating, leading to people pushing away those who could bring happiness into their lives.

9. Self-Sabotage:

Another common blockage is self-sabotage where individuals torpedo their chances of happiness due to low self-esteem or fear of failure. Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen explains that self-sabotage is a misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from potential failure or disappointment (Hendriksen, 2018).

10. The Impact of Past Traumas

Past traumas have a profound influence on our behaviours and emotions. Negative experiences can lead to the development of emotional walls, which are primarily designed to protect the individual from further emotional harm3. However, these walls can also block the path to happiness, as they prevent the individual from forming meaningful relationships and embracing positive experiences.

Conclusion

Understanding and acknowledging these barriers is the first crucial step towards dismantling them. It requires a considerable degree of introspection, self-awareness, and courage. With consistent effort, professional guidance, and a resilient mindset, we can learn to stop sabotaging our happiness. Instead, we can start embracing happiness with open arms, letting it seep into the very core of our existence.

References

1. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.
2. Fennell, M.J.V. (1997). Low self-esteem: A cognitive perspective. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy.
3. Neal, A., & Carey, K.B. (2005). A follow-up psychometric analysis of the self-regulation questionnaire. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors.
4. Tangney, J.P., & Dearing, R.L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. The Guilford Press.
5. Flett, G.L., & Hewitt, P.L. (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment. American Psychological Association.
6. Ford, B.Q., & Mauss, I.B. (2015). The paradoxical effects of pursuing positive emotion: When and why wanting to feel happy and joyful backfires. Journal of Experimental Psychology.
7. Beck, A.T. (1976). Cognitive therapies and emotional disorders. New York: New American Library.
8. Firestone, R. W., Firestone, L. A., & Catlett, J. (2002). Conquer your critical inner voice: A revolutionary program to counter negative thoughts and live free from imagined limitations. New Harbinger Publications
9. Hendriksen, E. (2018). How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. St. Martin’s Essentials.
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