Understanding External Validation and Self-Worth: A Deep Dive

In today’s age of social media likes, comments, and the never-ending chase for the spotlight, it’s hard not to fall into the trap of equating your worth with the number of followers or the approval of others. But does that heart-react on your Instagram photo or that praising comment from a coworker truly define your worth? Let’s deep dive into the realms of external validation and self-worth, with everyday language and relatable examples to help you navigate this intricate maze.

What is External Validation?

External validation refers to the recognition and approval we seek from the outside world. It’s that warm and fuzzy feeling we get when our new profile picture gets a ton of likes or when our boss publicly acknowledges our hard work. While these instances can boost our mood and confidence momentarily, relying solely on external validation can be precarious.

Everyday Example:

Remember Jessica from high school? She was the girl who seemed to have it all – great grades, popular friends, and a killer fashion sense. But if you looked a bit closer, you’d notice she was always seeking approval. She’d get upset if she didn’t get enough likes on her selfies or if she wasn’t invited to every party. That’s the double-edged sword of external validation in play.

The Pitfalls of External Validation:

1. It’s Fleeting: The thrill of validation is often short-lived. It’s similar to that sugar rush after eating a candy bar – great for a moment, but then you’re back looking for the next “fix.”
2. It’s Out of Your Control: You can’t control others’ opinions or actions. So, if your sense of worth is tethered to external feedback, you’re essentially handing over the reins of your self-esteem to others.
3. Comparison Trap: When we seek external validation, we often compare ourselves to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

Building a Strong Sense of Self-Worth:

Self-worth is the intrinsic belief that you’re valuable and worthy, regardless of external accolades. It’s the sturdy foundation that doesn’t waver with every wind of external opinion.

1. Self-Reflection: Take a moment to introspect. What are your core values? What drives you? Answering these questions can offer clarity and help anchor your self-worth.
2. Celebrate Small Wins: Did you finally manage to make a homemade coffee that tastes just right? Celebrate that! Not every victory needs to be monumental.
3. Limit Social Media: A digital detox or even curating your feed to only include positive, real content can make a world of difference.
4. Seek Internal Validation: This means recognizing and being proud of yourself for your achievements, whether or not anyone else notices.

Everyday Example:

Mike used to constantly update his LinkedIn, hoping his peers would notice and praise his career growth. But after a while, he started to reflect on what he genuinely enjoyed in his job, separate from any external recognition. He realized he loved mentoring junior colleagues. Now, even if nobody comments on his achievements, he feels fulfilled knowing he’s making a difference.

Moving Beyond External Validation:

1. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Instead of being your harshest critic, learn to treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show to a dear friend.
2. Seek Feedback, not Validation: Constructive feedback helps you grow, whereas validation just gives a temporary ego boost. The former is more valuable in the long run.
3. Engage in Activities You Love: Doing things just for the joy they bring, without seeking any recognition, can bolster your self-worth.

In Conclusion:

While it’s entirely natural to seek and enjoy external validation, it’s crucial to remember that your self-worth is not tied to it. As you journey through life, remember to be your cheerleader. Celebrate your wins, learn from feedback, and most importantly, know that your worth shines from within, undiminished by external shadows.

References:

1. Wong, Y. J., & Tsai, P. C. (2017). “Cultural models of shame and guilt.” In The Oxford handbook of emotion, social cognition, and problem solving in adulthood (pp. 71-82). Oxford University Press.
2. Brené Brown. “The Gifts of Imperfection.” Hazelden, 2010.
3. Pantic, I. (2014). “Online social networking and mental health.” Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 17(10), 652-657.
4. Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). “Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being.” American psychologist, 55(1), 68.
5. Dr. Kristin Neff. “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” William Morrow Paperbacks, 2015.
6. Brené Brown. “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.” Gotham Books, 2012.
7. Jen Sincero. “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life.” Running Press Adult, 2013.
8. “Stop Overvaluing The Applause: The Perils of External Validation” in Psychology Today gives readers an insight into the importance of internal validation.